The Advance Politics’ Olympics

The last two weeks has been an exciting time for sport, in particular, Team GB with their record-breaking medal haul in Rio. But the Olympic fun isn’t all over because there is a new Olympic Games in town. The Advance Politics’ Olympics, here’s a rundown of the action so far.

The Labour Party Boxing event is about to head into its sixth round although feels like the tenth. The champion Jeremy ‘Mandate’ Corbyn is being challenged by Owen ‘Electable’ Smith. Both have been throwing strong punches but with little accuracy, with every punch going straight in the face of the party itself. Owen boasts a strong team behind him with both Sadiq Kahn, Kezia Dugdale and 172 MP’s and MEP’s. Sadiq quickly whispers Jeremy’s weaknesses to Owen, a right hook of antisemitism allegations and an uppercut of EU referendum failure. Jeremy has no one in his corner to talk through strategy, but the crowd is full of his adoring fans cheering his name. Tom Watson, who’s manning the doors, becomes increasingly worried many have confused the event with a TUSC meeting next door. Meanwhile, with the bout clearly going to the judge’s verdict, ratings have plummeted with the majority of the general public preferring ‘Come Dine with Me’. All the while no one has noticed the beaten up referee lying on the floor knocked out after taking 5 rounds worth of stray punches, we wonder if they will ever recover.

Elsewhere at a small athletics track in Berkshire, Theresa May is running in the Brexit 100m Sprint. However, somebody forgot to tell Mrs May this was, in fact, a sprint. instead, she believes it is actually a walking race, leaving her Team pretty red-faced after she suggested she was the fittest athlete to be selected, announcing ‘Brexit means Brexit’ before the Race. EU leaders and 52% of the public wait at the finish line getting increasingly frustrated at her lack of progress down the track, while the other 48% sit at home taking a sigh of relief or enquiring about emigrating to New Zealand.

Other events include the UKIP Judo tournament, which like the actual sport is impossible to understand and to make things worse the top contender was late, leaving the tournament full of amateurs. And finally, The Southern Rail javelin competition where the RMT, looking a few years past its prime tries to show they still have it, but instead hit a crowd of unsuspecting commuters and blames its fellow competitor.

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